{"id":3605,"date":"2020-02-18T18:02:16","date_gmt":"2020-02-18T10:02:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/scc.sg\/e\/?p=3605"},"modified":"2020-02-19T18:53:47","modified_gmt":"2020-02-19T10:53:47","slug":"the-science-and-art-behind-enduring-love-and-a-successful-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/scc.sg\/e\/the-science-and-art-behind-enduring-love-and-a-successful-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"The science and art behind enduring love and a successful marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

The science and art behind enduring love and a successful marriage <\/h2>
<\/div><\/div><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

The science and art behind enduring love and a successful marriage<\/strong>
\nWritten by Eveline Gan (TODAY<\/a>)
\n15 February 2020<\/p>\n

\"\"

Raymond Chan and Pauline Chian. Photo: Ooi Boon Keong\/TODAY<\/p><\/div>\n

SINGAPORE \u2014 Being kind\u00a0and compassionate to each other, a willingness to give and take and work out compromises, as well as not being stingy with\u00a0outward gestures of affection.<\/p>\n

These acts of love and charity have\u00a0kept the love going strong in the 30-year marriage between lecturers Raymond Chan and Pauline Chian.<\/p>\n

They did not stumble upon some magic formula. Their early years\u00a0as a married couple were\u00a0not all smiles and perfection. They had to learn and make some sacrifices in giving in to each other along the way.<\/p>\n

More importantly, the couple \u2014 now both in their 50s and parent of two children aged 22 and 25 \u2014 want younger people to know that sustaining an enduring love is a long walk and needs constant renewal of commitment.<\/p>\n

They first met through friends and married after a year of dating. After they tied the knot, she had trouble keeping a lid on her fiery temper and would \u201cblow up over small things\u201d. He was bad at keeping tabs on his finances, which led to credit card debts that spiralled\u00a0out of control.<\/p>\n

Each time they faced a rough patch, they had to remember their commitment to each other, They also found common ground through religion.<\/p>\n

Mr Chan thinks the lack of commitment is why so many young couples\u2019 marriages fall apart these days.<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople in general like to do what they like. They call it \u2018self-expression\u2019 and want the freedom to do what they want,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut if you are committed to (your relationship) right from the start, you should spend time on it. If something goes wrong, you have to assess what\u2019s wrong and then continue to work on it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mr Chan also advised couples to exercise compassion and kindness towards each other instead of being quick to criticise and judge.<\/p>\n

\u201cPutting yourself in the other person\u2019s shoes helps. The situation might not change but if your mindset and how you look at your spouse changes, you won\u2019t be so hard on her.\u201d<\/p>\n

While the occasional romantic dates help keep the spark alive, everyday loving gestures are even more important after decades of being together.<\/p>\n

Madam Chian said: \u201cAfter being together for so long, things can become routine. Once in a while, dates and dinners are great. But so are the small things like holding hands and him giving me a kiss before leaving for work.\u201d<\/p>\n

Research into romantic relationships shows the Chans are on the right path.<\/p>\n

Everyone likes to feel special and be appreciated, and flowers and gifts on special occasions such as\u00a0birthdays\u00a0or wedding anniversaries can contribute positively to a relationship.<\/p>\n

However, Dr John Lim, director of the Singapore Counselling Centre, said that more important than the special occasions and treats are the daily interactions, mutual respect, good communication, mutual trust and care for each other.<\/p>\n

Dr Lim Boon Leng, a psychiatrist at Dr BL Lim Centre for Psychological Wellness, said what really matters the most in a relationship is the way people conduct themselves around their partners or spouses, treating them with respect and in a loving way on a daily basis.<\/p>\n

\u201cStudies have shown that having a sense of commitment, the desire to have a relationship that lasts will more likely lead to behaviours that support the relationship,\u201d Dr BL Lim said.<\/p>\n

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in May 2014 found that people who show greater compassion towards their romantic partners are more likely to have satisfying and committed relationships.<\/p>\n

Deadly Behaviours That Can Kill Love<\/h5>\n

On the other hand, certain toxic behaviours and attitudes can turn loving hearts stone cold.<\/p>\n

Dr BL Lim observed that many married couples tend to devote too much resources and energy\u00a0on\u00a0their children, for example,\u00a0and over time,\u00a0neglect their spouse and their\u00a0relationship with each other.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey often take their partners for granted and assume that their relationship is based on trust and is on autopilot, while they focus entirely on other aspects of their life (like their careers and children). When the partner can no longer emotionally support the other, it is likely the neglected person will look elsewhere for affections,\u201d Dr BL Lim said, adding that continuous effort is needed for a healthy relationship.<\/p>\n

Relationships lacking balance, with one person sacrificing too much, can also lead to a relationship burnout, he added.<\/p>\n

Citing the work of the late American psychiatrist William Glasser, Dr John Lim said that there are \u201cseven deadly habits\u201d that are especially damaging and can lead to a relationship breakdown.<\/p>\n

They include:<\/p>\n