{"id":7723,"date":"2022-11-10T11:52:50","date_gmt":"2022-11-10T03:52:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/scc.sg\/e\/?p=7723"},"modified":"2022-11-15T14:54:20","modified_gmt":"2022-11-15T06:54:20","slug":"people-pleasing-knowing-your-limits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/scc.sg\/e\/people-pleasing-knowing-your-limits\/","title":{"rendered":"People Pleasing: Knowing Your Limits"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Do you find it hard to say \u201cno\u201d? We can easily fall into people-pleasing behaviour when we are met with requests from people around us. Our intentions for helping others may be simply to make them happy. However, how are we able to tell the difference between an act done out of kindness and an act that is done solely to please others?<\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

People-pleasing vs Kindness<\/h2>
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Kindness comes from a genuine desire to help, with no obligation to do so [1<\/a>]. It can be done out of duty or loyalty to the other person, without the expectation of gaining something in return [2<\/a>]. On the other hand, people-pleasing behaviour stems from intense feelings of guilt and anxiety when we are unable to meet the needs of others.\u00a0Consequently, we may find ourselves going out of our way to help the other person, to the point of neglecting our own needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Signs of People-pleasing Behaviour<\/h2>
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We constantly seek approval and validation from others <\/h3>
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We may find ourselves seeking external validation and approval for our actions and behaviour, in order to feel a sense of relief and satisfaction [3<\/a>]. Rejection and disapproval from others can create a lot of stress and worry for us.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

We go with the flow controlled by others<\/h3>
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In order to please others, we may find ourselves going with the flow as determined by others, without forming our own opinion of the situation [3<\/a>]. We may be afraid of going against the other person, just to avoid conflict or making trouble for them. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Conflicts upset us<\/h3>
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When we encounter a conflict, we may feel uncomfortable even when we are not involved [3<\/a>]. We may also find ourselves apologising when it may not be our fault. If the other party is still displeased with us after our apology, we may go out of our way to alleviate their anger.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Similarly, we may seek to find a solution when we notice a conflict between others, ensuring that all parties involved are satisfied with the resolution.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

We are too agreeable<\/h3>
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In order to fulfil our innate wish to be needed by others, we may easily agree to things that do not align with our own personal values and beliefs [3<\/a>]. As a result, we tend to put others\u2019 needs before our own despite not having the means to do so, most of the time. Due to our inability to draw boundaries, it increases the likelihood of being taken advantage of by others [2<\/a>].<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

We struggle to be true to ourselves<\/h3>
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We often make space for others’ needs hence our struggle with recognising our own needs and feelings. Even though we have our own set of values and beliefs, we tend to hide our true selves to maintain good relationships with others. For instance, when partaking in certain social activities, we may even go to great lengths to make changes to our personality to fit in and be accepted as part of the group [3<\/a>].<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Causes of People-pleasing Behaviour<\/h2>
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Past experiences of trauma<\/h3>
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People-pleasers may have grown up around temperamental people or experienced an unpleasant childhood, leading to a fear of abuse or criticism. Therefore, they may find it safer to do what others want in order to minimise conflict or avoid triggering any form of abusive behaviour [4<\/a>]. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Fear of rejection or failure<\/h3>
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People-pleasers may have experienced criticism, judgement or even punishment when faced with rejection or failure. Hence, they may have learnt to do what others want even before they are asked, to avoid negative consequences [3<\/a>].\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Alternatively, people-pleasers may have always been complimented for a certain behaviour, so they may think that continuing that behaviour will keep their caregiver pleased [3<\/a>]. For example, they may have always been praised for being able to follow instructions well. However, as soon as they discontinue that behaviour, their caregiver may criticise their behaviour, which is considered an undesirable response for people-pleasers.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Perfectionism<\/h3>
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People-pleasers may pressure themselves to meet the standards they have set for themselves or by others. Consequently, they may engage in people-pleasing behaviour to overcome the pressure they feel to be \u201cperfect\u201d \u2013 the only way they believe they can gain the acceptance and validation they seek. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Effects of People-pleasing Behaviour<\/h2>
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People-pleasers may find themselves engaging in harmful patterns of behaviours in order to maintain their relationships with others, but it may result in the reverse effect. For instance:<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

It can cause frustration and self-pity<\/h3>
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People-pleasers are often doing things out of obligation, wearing themselves out in the process to meet the needs of others [4<\/a>]. Despite initiating the gesture to help out, they can get increasingly frustrated and start to pity themselves for being stuck in “unfair” situations especially if they are regularly taken advantage of [4<\/a>].<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

It can lead to stress and anxiety<\/h3>
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People-pleasers usually struggle with striking a balance between managing other\u2019s happiness and their own mental and physical resources. It can cause high levels of stress and anxiety, and take a toll on their health [4<\/a>].<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

People-pleasers may lack energy and willpower<\/h3>
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People-pleasers often make use of most, if not all, of their mental resources to fulfil the needs of others. As a result, they may find themselves too mentally exhausted to meet their own needs [4<\/a>]. Research shows that when we exercise self-control to please others, our willpower can be easily depleted, as compared to when we are motivated by our internal goals and desires [5<\/a>].<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

It can result in weaker relationships with others <\/h3>
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People-pleasers may hide their true feelings and preferences to please others. Thus, whether intentionally or unintentionally, others may impose their decisions on them or take them for granted. It can eventually create a strain in the relationship, with the other party possibly unaware of the sacrifices the people-pleaser has to make [4<\/a>].<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Setting Our Boundaries as People-pleasers<\/h2>
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When the contributing factors are deeply rooted, people-pleasing behaviour can become difficult to overcome. Nonetheless, it helps to recognise unhelpful patterns of behaviour and make small steps towards establishing boundaries.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/section>\n

Firstly, know your limits<\/h3>
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Start by asking yourself:<\/span><\/p>\n