Overcoming Infidelity in Marriage

My world went into total darkness in April 2020, when the circuit breaker had just started. I discovered my husband’s infidelity when I checked his handphone. I could barely breathe at that instance. I consider myself a strong woman, having overcome a few major challenges in my life earlier, but whatever I had been through in the past did not prepare me for this. There was a lot of crying and disbelief. We have a young child whom we both love very much and I really didn’t know what to do. I was so lost. It was the circuit breaker period and we couldn’t go anywhere for help. I had suicidal thoughts and not a night had passed without me crying myself to sleep. 

Nobody around us knew what has happened. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. There were going to be repercussions if I speak out, which I wasn’t sure I could handle. During that period, I put up a false front to everyone around me, my family, my friends and my co-workers. I carried on with my work as per normal and the only saving grace at that time was that we were mandated to work from home so there was minimal face-to-face contact with anyone. I sounded like my usual cheerful and upbeat self for all of my work calls. While I try so immensely hard to look and sound ok, inside me, I was not ok at all. The more I carried on living in that manner, the more devastated and desperate I felt. But I kept pushing myself forward because of our young child. I kept telling myself that I cannot give up because my child depends on me. I am a mother and my duty is to protect my child. But I continue to feel helpless and hopeless and it seemed like there is no end to this. I wondered how long I could last.

The best decision that we have made during this crisis, was to seek marriage counselling. It was actually my husband’s suggestion. He is not a bad guy. He was a loving husband and father, so what could have gone so wrong such that he went onto that forbidden path? I researched online and found out that the Singapore Counselling Centre was operating during the Circuit Breaker. We secured an appointment with Joseph in end May.

Joseph is really an amazing counsellor. He is very patient and he listens to every detail. Most importantly, we are very comfortable with him. It is very awkward and embarrassing to talk to a stranger about all the details of the affair but we know that in order for the sessions to work, we must not hide anything from him. Joseph helped me understand about my grief and how I could deal with it. It was really liberating, being able to pour out to Joseph and I felt hopeful, that I could possibly walk out of this darkness at the end. Joseph also did good work with my husband, helping him to reflect on the wrong he did, what it had done to me and what he can do to move forward. The other important thing that Joseph did was to help me and my husband understand what were the underlying issues in our marriage which led to this disaster. In short, he was helping us to heal from the crisis, which in turn would help our marriage to heal.

Being humans, we are never perfect, and we are either too arrogant or ignorant to realise our blind spots. Seeking the help from a marriage counsellor, helped us discover those blind spots and find a way to fix them together as a couple. This episode is probably the most painful and important lesson that me and my husband have learnt in our lives. I am happy to report that my husband and I have chosen to put the past behind us, and we have promised to continuously work on our marriage and be honest with each other whenever there is an issue. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It is like a bonfire which requires constant feeding of wood to keep it burning for a long time. We should never stop feeding love and attention to our partners and to our marriage to keep it burning for a long time.

Thank you, Joseph, for taking me out of the darkness and for helping me to save my marriage.

– Client N, 2020

While I try so immensely hard to look and sound ok, inside me, I was not ok at all. The more I carried on living in that manner, the more devastated and desperate I felt.

Being humans, we are never perfect, and we are either too arrogant or ignorant to realise our blind spots.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It is like a bonfire which requires constant feeding of wood to keep it burning for a long time. We should never stop feeding love and attention to our partners and to our marriage to keep it burning for a long time.