Power Dynamics in Relationships

As social creatures, humans form many complex interpersonal relationships throughout our lives. Our relationship with each person we encounter in our lives may be unique and not easily understood by others outside of it. Often, we may even develop some assumptions about a couple’s power dynamics when we observe them from a third person point of view.

Power dynamics is a term that describes the ability of a person to exert control and influence within a relationship or group [1]. It is used to exemplify the unspoken roles that each person takes on in a relationship, and how these roles affect their behaviour. As with most things, power imbalances occur when both parties are in conflict with one another, often through extreme behaviours. In this article, we explore and discuss four common types of power dynamics in interpersonal relationships, and how we can deconflict any power imbalance. We will be taking two individuals, Mark and Jill, to exemplify each power dynamic.

In the demand-withdrawal dynamic, one partner is the demander while the other partner is the withdrawer. The demander seeks change, discussion, or resolution of an issue, while the withdrawer seeks to end or avoid discussion of the issue [2]. Hence, this can lead to conflicts between the two.

It can be more problematic when the demander requests or demands changes in an unconstructive manner. Meanwhile, the withdrawer may detach physically or emotionally from the relationship, or they may respond in a defensive manner or not at all. In a perpetuating cycle, the more demanding the demander may be, the more intense the withdrawal by the withdrawer may be [3].

For example, Mark, the demander, may bring up problems with the relationship. Mark tells Jill, the withdrawer: “I think that you are not being respectful to me as a partner, and I want you to respect me more.” Jill would respond by placing physical and emotional distance between her and Mark. As a result, Jill may prefer to stay at work longer to avoid going home to Mark or keep herself distracted from Mark’s requests. 

On the other hand, the withdrawal can help to give one another room to express their feelings to prevent escalation in conflicts or negative reciprocity. This strategy is only effective if both parties have agreed on using this strategy prior to the conflict and they are willing to tackle the root problem [2]. Therefore, it depends on each relationship and their approach towards solving the problem.

Though similar to the demand-withdrawal dynamic, the distancer-pursuer dynamic is concerned with closeness and intimacy rather than focusing on changes the other party has to make. 

The conflict pattern firstly involves a pursuer. They may seek to be closer or more intimate with the distancer, so they openly express their intentions to solve this immediately [4]. Meanwhile, the distancer seeks more separateness and avoids problem-solving. This can create a cycle in which the pursuer constantly attempts to close the perceived distance between them. This pattern may result in both parties questioning each other’s motives and commitment to the relationship. The pursuer may often feel lonely and rejected, while the distancer may feel trapped and guilty. 

This power dynamic can manifest in situations where it involves self-disclosure or physical intimacy. Using the same two individuals, an example of a potential conflict will look like: 

Jill, the pursuer, may approach Mark and tell him: “Mark, I feel like you are always so guarded, and I feel like I don’t know you at all.” Mark, the distancer, may prefer to have some boundaries drawn at this point in the relationship and he may feel pressured into self-disclosure. Mark may respond by denying those claims, or further distance himself from Jill. From this, we can assume that the distancer tends to respond poorly to sudden, overwhelming displays of affection or intimacy. 

This power dynamic can be especially dangerous when the pursuer uses force against the distancer’s consent in an attempt to get closeness and intimacy. 

The fear-shame dynamic involves personal vulnerabilities and insecurities. When both individuals are unaware of these insecurities and fears, it may manifest into anxiety in relationships for both parties. 

This power dynamic becomes obvious in relationships when one party is dependent on the other for protection or nurture. The party who is depended on, may feel like they have to live up to a certain standard. Hence, they feel anxious or upset when they realise that they are not meeting their partner’s needs. Likewise, the overly dependent party may feel shameful for relying on their partner and they may perceive themselves as a liability [5].

For example, Mark may tend to rely on Jill for affirmation and self-esteem needs (which is normal for us to have). John may approach Jill and tell her his fears: “I feel like I’m not a good person, because I’ve not been a good friend to you lately.” If this comment elicits shame from Jill, she may feel like she is partially responsible for John’s feelings of inadequacy. As a result, she may compensate by bringing up instances of when Mark has been a good friend. In this case, Mark is turning to Jill to meet his esteem needs. However, when his needs are not met, he may feel anxious. Meanwhile, Jill may feel guilty if she fails to meet his needs.

The criticism-defense dynamic is a lesser studied dichotomy, and it refers to a negative communication style between two individuals. This power dynamic is displayed when couples shirk their responsibilities and constantly try to justify their perspectives. They may even blame, accuse and criticise each other. The communication style is also characterised with defensiveness [6][7]. 

While it is normal for us to get defensive when we feel like we are wrongly accused, it may not be constructive when we are looking to resolve issues. Defensiveness often stems from a fear of failure, rejection or humiliation. When we are criticised, we may feel like our efforts are not recognised, hence we may feel guilty and ashamed. It can even affect our self-esteem. Hence, we may give the other party the cold shoulder, attack their character, or play the victim [8]. 

For example, Jill approaches Mark and tells him: “You are too tactless, but I guess I cannot expect anything less from you.” Mark may defend himself, saying, “I’m having a really rough day, and here you are, making such heartless comments.” He may then give Jill the cold shoulder for the rest of the day. 

While it may seem that the defending party plays a bigger part in contributing to these unconstructive conversations, the other party is equally responsible. Jill could be more careful in phrasing her words to be less accusatory. Therefore, both parties need to be mindful about how they are framing their demands or feelings, to come off as more non-blaming.

These dynamics may manifest in varying intensities in our interpersonal relationships, and it can be considered healthy. It becomes unhealthy when these power dynamics are constantly reinforced, leading to a strain in our relationships. Here are some steps you can take to be more aware of uneven power dynamics in your relationships:

Although this seems intuitive for some, it is much easier said than done. Some of us may be able to be honest, open and even vulnerable to our loved ones. However, we often overlook how we frame what we say, despite it being an important part to clear communication. We can better express our needs using the sandwich method: start with a positive affirmation, followed by a request and how it can be beneficial for yourself and the other party [9]. 

For example, your friend Shawn tends to arrive late at meetups. An unhelpful way to frame the request would be something like “You’re always late. Can you just be early for once?” From ascribing the term ‘always’, it implies that tardiness is a permanent part of Shawn’s character, negating the times which he wasn’t late. 

Conversely, if we use the sandwich method, our request may look more like this: “I appreciate that you came, though it would be better if you arrived earlier next time, so that we can both enjoy more time together.” 

It is common for us to listen to our platonic or romantic partners and react to what they say. However, it is less common for us to slow down and process what they say before replying to them in a mindful way. We may be careless with our words when we allow our emotions to respond for us [10]. Therefore, it is important to take a step back to listen and understand our partners’ perspectives, rather than only focusing on getting our point across.

Sometimes, we may disagree with the other person — a normal occurrence in every relationship. It can be easy to put the blame on the other person, but this can cause them to get defensive and hurt in the process. We can open up to the possibility to look at a situation without pointing fingers at the other party [10]. Instead, we can focus on how we can improve the situation while being mindful with our words. For instance, your partner is often leaving their things around the house. Whenever you find that there are pests around the house, you blame them for it. Instead, you can consider figuring this out with your partner on how to get rid of the pests together. Perhaps, a suggestion can be made to your partner to clean up after themselves using the sandwich method. 

If these methods are not as effective, we can consider approaching a counsellor for personal growth, or go for couple/marriage counselling with our partner. In all, it takes two hands to clap – a healthy relationship is the product of two willing parties. Certainly, power dynamics can occur subconsciously in most of our relationships, but it is important to build awareness of them and manage it constructively.

References 

[1] Counselling In Melbourne. 2020. “Power in Relationships”. Retrieved October 19, 2023 from https://www.counsellinginmelbourne.com.au/power-in-relationships/

[2] Papp, L. M., Kouros, C. D., & Cummings, E. M. (2009). Demand‐withdraw patterns in marital conflict in the home. Personal Relationships, 16(2), 285-300.

[3] Chelom Leavitt. N.d. Overcome the Demand-Withdrawal Cycle. Retrieved October 24, 2023 from https://www.chelomleavitt.com/overcome-the-demand-withdrawal-cycle/

[4] James, K. (1989). When twos are really threes: The triangular dance in couple conflict. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 10(3), 179-186.

[5] Psychology Today. 2014. The Fear-Shame dynamic. Retrieved October 26, 2023 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201410/the-fear-shame-dynamic

[6] Jiang, Q. (2022). Changes in Couples’ Relationships and Their Differences in Type during the COVID-19 Pandemic in China. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(19), 12516.

[7] Heavey, C. L., Larson, B. M., Zumtobel, D. C., & Christensen, A. (1996). The Communication Patterns Questionnaire: The Reliability and Validity of a Constructive Communication Subscale. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58(3), 796. doi:10.2307/353737

[8] Healthy Love and Money. 2021. What is Defensiveness and How it Becomes A Vicious Cycle. Retrieved October 26, 2023 from https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/what-is-defensiveness-and-how-it-becomes-a-vicious-cycle#:~:text=Defensiveness%20is%20a%20psychological%20defense,partners%20become%20critical%20and%20defensive 

[9] Psychology Today. 2018. How the Sandwich Technique Can Transform Your Relationships. Retrieved November 16, 2023 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201807/how-the-sandwich-technique-can-transform-your-relationships

[10] Forbes Health. 2023. How To Communicate In A Relationship, According To Experts. Retrieved November 16, 2023 from https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/how-to-communicate-in-a-relationship/