Understanding Love Languages

Love is an abstract concept carrying a variety of meanings for different people. It can sometimes feel ambiguous or difficult to conceptualise love, and we may become doubtful of how we show love to others and how others show love to us. While love can sometimes be difficult to understand, Gary Chapman’s theory of love languages is a good way to break down how we can give and receive love throughout our relationship.

The theory of love languages was first formulated by Gary Chapman in 1992 [1], in his book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. Chapman had noticed certain misunderstandings between partners as he was carrying out relationship counselling, which was what led to his theory that is known widely today [2]. He theorised that there are 5 different love languages: 

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Physical Touch
4. Acts of Service
5. Receiving Gifts

This love language is shown primarily through verbal appreciation for the other person in a relationship. It can be done through expressing your love, respect or care for the other person through the frequent use of positive words and phrases. Usually, people with words of affirmation as their primary love language are sensitive, and keen in noticing changes. They are quick to ask after others and compliment others. [3]

This may be your love language if you…

• Feel motivated by words of appreciation and encouragement
• Feel a sense of self-worth from receiving praise
• Enjoy hearing affirmative words often, be it through text or verbally
• Feel happy when others notice and care about details in your life and communicate that through words of affirmation

Showing affection for someone with this love language:

• Can be expressed directly or indirectly (Eg. through face to face interactions, or a hand-written note)
• Be authentic when using words of affirmation such as:
  • “I appreciate you, thank you for being such an understanding friend.”
  • “I am so proud of you, you did so well!”
• Take note of any positive changes in the other person (Eg. new haircut or outfit)
• Be sincere when complimenting them or showing appreciation for their efforts without overdoing it (Eg. “That hair colour suits you so well!” as compared to “Wow! No one can look as good as you do with this hair colour!”)
• Check in regularly with them and show empathy especially if they are feeling down

Quality time is about spending focused, uninterrupted time with your partner. This means no technology, no distractions, and full focus on your partner. People with this love language often enjoy it when their partner actively listens to them, and are willing to spend time together, even if it isn’t a lengthy amount of time. Initiating intentional time for your partner would be helpful for people whose partners have this love language. [4]

This may be your love language if you…

• Enjoy spending time with others and it does not matter how the time is spent (Eg. sitting and relaxing for a few hours or doing a day full of activities)
• Feel appreciated when the person you are spending time with is able to make time for you and give you their undivided attention during your time together
• Feel disconnected and lack motivation when you do not get to spend enough time with loved ones 

Showing affection for someone with this love language:

• Take initiative to plan outings and remember that it is about quality, not quantity!
• Come up with a routine that you can share with them (Eg. evening walks)
• Put aside any distractions when spending quality time together to be available for them
• Use active listening skills to express your care for what they have to say. 
  • Be sure to maintain eye contact
  • Focus on the conversation 
  • Ask thoughtful questions (Eg. How can I help to make you feel better?)

People with this love language enjoy it when they get direct physical contact with their loved ones, whether intimate or non-intimate. This could be hugs and shoulder or head pats in a platonic relationship, or kissing or sex in a non-platonic relationship. This love language is not necessarily sexual in nature, but rather much of it stems from one enjoying the fact  that someone  can show their presence and is willing  to be physically there to support them. [5]

This may be your love language if you…

• Feel loved when our loved ones express their affection through consensual physical touch (eg. holding hand, hugs)
• Often engage in public displays of affection

Showing affection for someone with this love language:

• Use non-intimate touch as a way to connect with others (Eg. comfort them with a pat on their back)
• Express affection through intimate touch (Eg. kisses, hand-holding, hugs)

People with this as their primary love language often enjoy it when someone else does something for them that they like. This could go two ways: (a) doing something as a treat to them (e.g. bringing them breakfast in bed) or (b) doing something for them that they may not enjoy doing themselves (e.g. cleaning the bathroom). [6]

This may be your love language if you…

• Appreciate when people take initiative to help you complete a chore or errand and you often do the same for our loved ones
• Are quick to agree to meet requests from your loved ones, to show your affection and care for them
• Comfort your loved ones through selfless, thoughtful acts

Showing affection for someone with this love language:

• Pay attention to small details about them (Eg. favourite shows, country they want to visit, dietary preference)
• Consider helping them out with tasks they may not particularly enjoy doing
• Focus on tasks that you are able to accommodate into your schedule and work around your strengths
  • These don’t have to be grand gestures; simple thoughtful gestures (eg. opening the door, pouring a drink) work fine!

This love language may come off as implying that we are focused mainly on  the “material” aspect of the relationship as compared to every other aspect but  this could not be further from the truth! People who have this love language tend to enjoy receiving gifts because of the sentiment behind it; they appreciate that someone had kept them in mind when buying or making the gift. They don’t have to receive gifts all the time, and they don’t have to be big, grand gifts; just small, simple gifts from time to time that reflect that their loved one has been thinking about them. [7]

This may be your love language if you…

• Feel appreciated when others make the effort to choose a suitable gift or one that reminds them of you
• Treasure gifts from others, no matter how small 
• Are enthusiastic to put the gifts you have received on display (Eg. showing it to friends)
• Feel hurt when a loved one does not get a gift to commemorate a significant event

Showing affection for someone with this love language:

• Choose gifts reminiscent of your relationship with them (Eg. related to an inside joke or a shared memory) or gifts that align with their interests
• Consider giving a thoughtful handmade gift (Eg. card, pastry)
• Surprise them with flowers or their favourite food whenever possible!

While the concept of love languages seems to be a useful classification tool, how does it help in the context of a relationship? 

Research has shown that love languages are vehicles for the conveying of relational maintenance items such as assurances, social networks, openness, positivity, and shared tasks.  [8] This means that the expression of love languages can be important in helping to keep a relationship going. Additionally, a match in love languages between partners has also been associated with more satisfaction in the relationship. [9]

Other benefits to learning about love languages are as follows:

• Allows us to be aware of others’ needs along with ours
• Strengthens and deepens our connection with others
• Increases our emotional intelligence
• Facilitates our personal growth, from caring for others in love languages we may not be familiar with
• Creates more meaningful interactions with others from being intentional in expressing our love and appreciation

Furthermore, it can be helpful for us to be understanding when our loved ones have difficulty expressing their affection in our preferred love language. Simply acknowledge and appreciate their efforts even if our expectations are not met (Eg. thanking them for trying, or expressing gratitude through their preferred love language).

Since our love languages can change over time, we can regard our love language as a way to improve our communication with others, rather than abiding to it strictly to express love and affection. There are other skills such as emotion regulation skills, that are equally important to cultivate to strengthen our relationships with others.

[1] Chapman, G. (1992). The five love languages how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.

[2] Gordon, S. (2022). What Are the Five Love Languages?. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538 

[3] Gordon, S. (2022). How to Use Words of Affirmation in Your Relationship. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/words-of-affirmation-4783539 

[4] Gordon, S. (2022). The Quality Time Love Language and Your Relationship. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/quality-time-love-language-4783540 

[5] Sheppard, S. (2022). What Is the Physical Touch Love Language?. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/physical-touch-love-language-4797513 

[6] Sheppard, S. (2022). The Acts of Service Love Language. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/acts-of-service-4774980 

[7] Gould, W. R. (2022). What the Receiving Gifts Love Language Means for a Relationship. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/receiving-gifts-love-language-4783665 

[8] Egbert, N. & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A Validity Test of Chapman’s (1992) Five Love Languages. Communication Research Reports. http://anonym.to/?http://doi.org/10.1080/17464090500535822 

[9] Mostova, O., Stolarski, M & Matthews, G. (2022). PLoS ONE. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0269429